Driving Difficult Conversations

Step 1: Initiate

Personally, I think initiating the conversation is the hardest step in the process. Most of the time we avoid a difficult conversation, it's simply because we don't know where to start. The first thing you should do is ask for permission. Don't catch the person completely off guard. Ask, "Do you have a minute to talk?" Or "Is now a good time?" It could be as simple as knocking on someone's door or sending a meeting invitation. Do what feels right for you based on your relationship with the person and your organizational culture.

Instead of beating around the bush, you should state the purpose of the conversation right off the bat. We've all been part of a conversation that starts like this. "Oh, Riley, you're such an important member of our team and I really appreciate everything that you do, but there's this one thing I have to talk to you about. It's not that big of a deal, but I've really been thinking about it and I probably should talk to you, but you're really great and I don't want this to impact our relationship." That's beating around the bush. Just get to the point.

One thing that's really effective in the initiate step is to address the gap. Here's what we mean. You talk about the expected performance, what you expected to happen. Then you talk about what actually happened. Again for both, focus on the facts. And then you might say something like, help me understand or tell me more. For example, "Hey, Riley, here's what I expected to happen today. Here's what actually happened. Tell me more." Do you hear how invitational that is? It gets right to the point and allows you then to hear the other person's perspective. It's also vital that you described the impact of the person's words or actions. Remember that most people have good intent behind what they're doing.

Finally, keep the start of the conversation short and sweet. Don't beat around the bush for several minutes. Just get started and ready to hear the other person's perspective. Remember, just start the conversation.

Step 2: Explore

The explore step is all about hearing the other person's perspective. All you need to say is, "What do you think? Tell me more. How do you see the issue?" And then make sure to do what we all do so well, withhold judgment and listen. You know we don't do that well.

It's also important to think about the words you use during the conversation and be intentional in keeping your language subjective. Ask yourself, is what I'm about to say a fact or an opinion? Avoid starting your sentences with the word, you. You did this wrong. You did it this way. Watch out for exaggerations. When we're frustrated, we all tend to exaggerate. It might sound like this, "Todd, that was a really big mistake and it was incredibly time consuming for me to fix."

Focus on the facts and the specifics. As you explore the other person's perspective, do your best to keep your emotions in check. The moment you become defensive, what will the other person do? You're right. The other person will also get defensive and your conversation will go nowhere. When you feel yourself frustrated, just take a moment to breathe. Or if the conversation just isn't going in a positive direction, put it on pause. Take time for both of you to cool down before you come back to the conversation.

Step 3: Focus On The Future

The most important step in a difficult conversation is moving forward. Something should happen because of your conversation. If not, you're just venting or hoping the other person will read your mind. Focus on your desired outcome. Remember to be flexible with this, especially if the person says something that you weren't expecting. But again, think about the actions everybody's going to take moving forward. Don't be afraid to state what you need. The other person can't read your mind. Do your best to get on the same page. Say something like, "I'd really like to see X, Y, Z happen. What do you think?" Make sure that you're both bought in.

Lastly, plan for follow up. Don't just have the conversation and forget about it. Be intentional about following up and making sure the necessary changes have been made. But a quick note, be on the look for false agreement. This happens when a person simply agrees, to get out of the conversation. Don't be afraid to press pause on a conversation and allow time for you and the other person to process what's been said. You can always revisit the conversation the next day or soon after.