Workplace Dynamics Expert Explains How To Work With Difficult People

Jun 7

One dismissive remark from that know-it-all department head or a backhanded comment from that passive-aggressive peer can send our brains spinning with emotions, anger, and internal dialogue that can consume our days and even nights. According to research by Georgetown professor, Christine Porath, 80% of people who were on the receiving end of uncivil behavior lost work time worrying about the incident, and 63% lost work time attempting to avoid the person. Other than leaving the job, what can we do to navigate these inevitable office dynamics? To answer this question, I reached out to Amy Gallo, Workplace Dynamics Expert, contributing editor of Harvard Business Review, and author of the new book Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People).

According to Gallo, most employed adults spend more time with coworkers than they do with family, and all of those hours together mean more time thinking about their jobs and the people associated with them. When we have great relationships with peers, it positively impacts our performance and lives When those relationships turn sour, negative effects can ripple throughout our lives. Gallo shares that coworkers and family members who offer support through a sympathetic ear are often the victims of what she refers to as “Emotional Shrapnel” as they absorb our stress. If we want to protect ourselves and the people around us from the fallout of a challenging coworker and be more effective in our jobs and lives, we must improve our ability to navigate these situations more effectively.

I asked Gallo why a little jab from a boss or a backhanded comment from a coworker impacts us so much; why can't we just brush them off and move on? She shared, “When we have friction with someone else, we perceive it as a threat to our identity, sense of harmony at work, and even our career. And when our brain or body perceives a threat, we go into fight or flight. Whether we are being chased by a bear or receiving a snarky email from a coworker, our body responds in the same way." In addition, she shared that when someone makes a remark that conflicts with our perceptions of who we are—such as “I thought you were collaborative, clearly I was wrong”—it can challenge our sense of self, sending our mind spinning (“I am not like that, right?”) as we try and make sense of what just happened.

Gallo shared that when we are on the receiving end of our coworker's perceived bad behavior, we often tell ourselves a story about what is occurring and why. “These stories are often laden with emotions and critiques - feel truthful to us when they are based on our brain's sense-making attempts rather than facts.” If we want to step out of our stories and choose a response that may build our relationship instead of breaking it down, we need to create what she refers to as mental space. She shares that the first step is checking that our basic needs are met. Have we had enough sleep? Are we hydrated? Are we in the right mindset to do this work, or are we so depleted that we need a good night's sleep first? In the book, she offers a brilliant mental checklist to walk through.

The next step is to adopt a curious mindset and explore what we don't know about this situation, the person, and our possible role in things unfolding the way they did. Gallo shares, “if you're serious about resolving conflict with a coworker, it is essential that you acknowledge your own part in the dynamic. No matter how difficult a person may be, we have always played a part.”

The Eight Archetypes

Do you have a difficult coworker you are looking to have a breakthrough with? In her book, Gallo presents eight archetypes, each representing one of the most common types of difficult people.

Some of these include:

The Insecure Boss

The Pessimist

The Know-it-all

The Victim

The Passive Aggressive Peer

For each, she provides background information to help understand what may be driving the behavior, thought-provoking questions to ask about yourself and the dynamic, concrete tactics to try, phrases to use, as well as dos and don’ts. Although she provides these archetypes, she warns against labeling others because it prevents us from seeing the whole person. The types are meant to be a jumping-off point as you get curious and begin working to transform your workplace dynamic.

The Principles for Getting Along with Anyone

Gallo shares that some people don't fit one specific type, so she provides nine general principles that you can use to get along with anyone. These principles act as great reminders to read when you are faced with any challenging dynamic at work or home. Here are a few:

Focus on What You Can Control

Don't waste time trying to convince your colleague to change. Focus instead on what you can do differently.

Your Perspective Is Just One Perspective

Acknowledge that you and your colleague won't always see eye to eye. Ask yourself, what if I am wrong? What assumptions am I making?

Don't Make It “Me Against Them”

Instead of thinking you are fighting them, imagine being on the same side of the table working through this together.

Be—and Stay—Curious

Adopt a growth mindset: believe that you have something to learn and that the dynamic can change.

Getting Along is the Google Map for workplace dynamics. It helps you easily identify where you're going and the best route to take. When there is an accident, and there will be, it will help you find the best alternative route. It is guaranteed to help you navigate through or around your biggest workplace roadblocks.

Related: Check out the ATW team!